Posted in iNsideOut

Write through it. | 3

8 minute thought-write [type thoughts verbatim no deleting or correcting grammar. edit for visual style only]

If I let my mind wander what will I find? A rainbow? A duck. Happenings. Bittersweet undoings of epic proportions. When I think too much it leaves me rough and tumbling about without.. Cause for concern no I will earn and think of a way around. I like free thought write to get out tonight a way to stop overthinking. Never doubt myself but that is absurd. I wish. I wallow and forget to swallow or swish? I don’t know how about dish. The dirt it seems to be the way people entertain themselves. Other’s misfortune gets you popular for calling out the family on blast for being. No rules of decency yet new rules of standards of what is abusive language piss me off. Contradict probably. Hypocrisy no not on that at least. Haha. I will admit I’ve oft been a hypocrite but I will not defend my distances… |Made it 5 min 32 sec

Procrastination has left me very little time to fulfill a full thought-write of 8minutes and successfully post a blog post for day 3 of my 31 day goal. I’m ridiculous. Writing is suppose to be therapy and I’m forcing causing making it a struggle by over thinking, no that isn’t the issue I’m putting it off while I thinking about it and even deciding what to write about then giving myself not enough time to do so. I have an issue actually following through and completing goals and I am determined to make this one. There isn’t any real reason and I could even change it if I wanted to be a cheat and I’d justify it away before but now with my quest for honesty and brutal no bullshitness in my life I am crumbling I don’t mean being honest is doing that the word just popped in my head mid thought. I actually am exploring so much of myself in getting real and honest since I started this blog. I habe so much growth potential as a writer, a person a mom in doing so. That is something I’ve realized that my honesty with myself as to my goodness as a mother have never been a question in my head but I know writing my story they will be a question in others’ and that bothers me or gives me pause. Not to not share but I keep overthinking how to explain it so that I’m seen as I want people to see me and that is not the point. I don’t care what other people think of me because I know what is real and true and a big part of that is that even though I have used drugs throughout my life and as a parent I have been a great mom to my kids. While the past three years have kept us apart I didn’t make that happen and I didn’t change from before people got in my business and swore me to be such an amazing mother to when they knew that I dabbled in destruction a bit that meant I was unfit. My abilities and actions as a mom didn’t change. |8 min 42 sec

Hey look ma I made it!

So there it is and that is what I needed – to get honest. It’s a jumble and not fully explained by any means but I unpuzzled part of my overthinking-block. I like it. I have been trying to piece together how I can explain this part and that piece so that you have all of the information that I have had and see my perspective and then of course agree with me. But that isn’t why I want to write or what I want to write, that’s insecurities and fear and self doubt. I didn’t expect that I was fully past all of that, part of it is just being human and will always be part of writing and especially in sharing this part of my life. Until then I’ll be seeing you here on happilyme.blog a bit more often but still check in with dopefiend.blog while I unblock my story.

Posted in iNsideOut

forgetting the unknown

I can’t stop!
Do I want to stop?
I do, I definitely do, I hate driving myself craZy!
Do I get bored of the lack of drama?
Am I causing it?
No. It’s definitely not my fault.
But I am perpetuating the state of affairs (ugh yes affairs..)

I have no solid proof. I get confused as to what I would need to have? Do I need a recording of them in the throws of passion (bleh makes me sick to think) or is my knowing that for the umpteenth time he is acting like he is cheating (admittedly as well) and him acknowledging my proof of inappropriate communication with another female (though since been disappeared from existence) enough?
Nope.
I’m just belittled and ridiculed that I am craZy and making something out of nothing like always.
Okay I’ve been here I’m used to it.
This time though I’m remembering all those other times.
Since I’m always getting my worries shot down I’ve not stepped back to look at the enormity of it all.
Or is he right and it is all in my head?
So many times he’s said that – he even had me committed when I’d gotten some solid evidence, well that I believed was solid, am I craZy?
This is guaranteed to get me precariously close.

Why don’t I just leave?
I would be asking the same thing of me if I were you.
Realizing that cheating and gas-lighting are both forms of mental abuse it would make a helluva lota sense no doubt.
Then there is my hesitation.
More I’m completely stubbornly determined to prove him right!
He hasn’t cheated, it is all me playing tricks on myself.
Reading what I thought was written plainly in the text messages the flirtations, the plans.
It’s the easier to stomach and live with, I think.
He’s never going to admit it anyway or allow himself a big enough misstep to get caught as he is so very seasoned at the game now.
And see right there I’m Debbie Down-ering and I don’t have any attestations at this point!

I walk the line of sanity very warily.
I think I can put it in the past and move forward, I’m trying, I am.
And then that sinking overwhelming realization that this is just the beginning of this run.
If I could just decide to know what I know because I know maybe I could move forward from there.
We are so good together.
We fit.
No fighting.
Lots of love.
I know, I know then why does he cheat?
I tried to blame myself but I do plenty to keep him satisfied and staying just here.
I want to just be wrong but I also can’t seem to forget what I know I know.
There has been positive confirmation.
Cell phones dropped in soda to contain the truth once revealed.
Now I think I’ll do it right.
I’m not smart enough to walk away but have my wits too much about me to believe the untrue.

That gut-wrenching sinking overtaking my ever waiting.
Another obvious fiction told to hopeful belief, relief, self-foolery rose-colored glasses.
Then poof!
Now all seems legit, on the up and up, square.
Reassurances that it was all in my head.
Never letting it be forgotten how sure I was, but look no way no how, now.
For now.
Lulling me into the comfort of feeling loved, desired, my senses dulled with pheromones.
Falling back into the trap of forgetting.
Easier to pretend nothing ever happened.
It was all in my head, see how good it is if I just let things be.
Yet round the corner, just beyond the month’s end, there’s another one waiting.
Same poor sad soul or new fresh meat, no matter to me.
Suddenly I’m pushing him away, no idea how and impossible to stop once he’s began to pull free.
I’ve done it again, I’m the reason for an always impending end.
Paranoia, craZy me.

Lost hope only grows while waiting, always waiting.
It’s gotten to the point where I want to just enjoy the moments and to hell with the deceit.
Except I still have feelings, pride, hurt, envy that I don’t want to endure anymore.
I’d like to tell you, and nearly have, that I am unsure.
That it’s all in my head.
I’ve nearly convinced myself I’m creating it all again.
I’m not but I’d sure like to really be craZy.